Nap Time!

I rolled over in my bed this afternoon, when my boyfriend turned and put his arm around me and pulled me into him close. i could smell that smell that is distinctly him and felt his warmth. Then we snuggled in for our afternoon nap. It was at this moment that i got that fuzzy warm feeling that you get when something new and exciting is happening. Such as that cute guy asking you out for the first time, that first kiss, hearing that you are loved for the first time by someone that you love back. The thing was, that at this moment nothing new was happening. We have taken countless naps together and this is not the first time we have snuggled. lol i like snuggling. Im not sure what it was that triggered that, but im not going to analyze it. Eric and i have come a very long way. We have gone through a lot in our first year that a lot of couples dont usually have to go through. Mostly because of me. But earlier in 2011 things definitely took a turn for the worst and we were just not getting along. We would fight a lot and the fight just got worst and worst. We would both say things to eachother that we didnt mean and we both got hurt a lot and our hearts were broken. Im not saying i destroyed the relationship. Im not saying it was him. It was both of us. He was mean to me sometimes but i was definitely mean to him too. It all came to a head one night when we had the worst fight we ever had. I have many issues, and the tragedy is that i cant control them and for some reason i lay them out on him and he takes the brunt of it. Which isnt fair. A couple days later he called me and broke up with me. I had broke him down to the point where he was just too hurt to go on. My world had suddenly collapsed and i had realized that i had based my whole future and my whole identity on this one person and he was gone and i was left with nothing. I screamed and cried for a couple hours. But then i packed up his things and tried to accept the fact that i was never going to be with him again. So i was surprised when he called me that night and asked me back. I truthfully wasnt sure. The thing is that eventhough i loved him and wanted to be with him, we hadnt  been getting along and i was hurt a lot too. We decided to go to couples therapy and go on a trial run. We both had to work on things to make it work. But one thing that i realy realized is that it is so dangerous and unhealthy to rely that heavily on one person. No one is built to take on the emotional burden of another person. And thats what i was forcing on him. I couldnt handle my emotions so i put them on him to deal with. and i think towards the end that was really getting to him. I need to learn to trust and rely on myself. To be confident enough to stand on my own two feet and be ok with that. Its ok to be in love but its not ok to be lost in another person, which is what i was doing. I had lost myself in him. And im finding myself again. Im ok with being alone. Im ok with relying on myself. Its sooooooooo much harder than i ever thought it would be, but im working through it. And eric is working on a lot of his issues too such as his jealousy and trying to understand me better. So far things have ben a lot more stable than they used to be. And i think its because he isnt required to carry me anymore, we are both just standing on two feet next to eachother, which is the best thing. We have taken this time to kind of re-fall in love with eachother. We are tryin to see eachother for the first time. When i look at him, i realize how handsome he is, and how kind and how compassionate and free-willed. and fun! those are the reasons i fell in love with him. But i had forgotten those things. I have found them again. I love him. But i love myself too. I have a future, and if he is a part of it, that is great. But if he ends up not being in it, then i will be ok. But who knows, thats for The future. Right now im going to enjoy the moment. And in this moment i am happy. and thats all i need.

~~~

 I painted my nails a new pretty color. its called Jaded. i got it for easter.

ILTTC

~Meg

Easter Swing

HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!!!!!!

Holy moley it has been along weekend, but....a very fulfilling and fun one as well. As i told yall in my last post, i went swing dancing last night with eric and my friends rick and kayla. I was so excited to go because eric and i have been talking about going for almost a year now and we were finally getting the chance to. I originally learned how to swing dance in the fifth grade and did some in highschool for a church event. But never was really able to get into it. Eric took classes with rick in highschool. so when we got together, we quickly found out that both of us new how to dance but we were restricted to practicing in the hall of eric's dorm. So needless to say i was more than thrilled when eric asked me to go last night. I was a little stressed out because i wasnt sure what i wanted to wear or how to do my hair or makeup, and i got really stressed out about it like usual and actually teared up. Also, kayla's younger sister, whom i dont necessarily get along with, and her baby daddy came along and i wasnt too happy about that. Eric had to reassure me that we were going to have a good time "whether i liked it or not" lol. and he was RIGHT!

We got there, and after the beginners lesson (which neither me nor eric nor rick or kayla needed), we got to swinging. We were amazing! Eric was spinning me around and dipping me and doing all these crazy moves. And i think rick and kayla were enjoying themselves just as much.

This is rick and Kayla doin there thang! They were pretty good. But def not as good as we were. ;-)

Eric and i killin it on the dance floor. Eric said that realistically we were prolly the 6th best couple there. Which i think is fair. There were a few really experienced dancers that new crazy moves. But for the most part the place was full of people just starting out, so we were towards the top of the talent pole.

We were both very happy but very tired by the end of the night.

~~~

It was a fantastic night and it turned out that i didnt need to stress about what i looked like or anyone there or anything like that. I guess the lesson i learned was that as long as your surrounded by people that you love and love you in return, you can always have a good time. We cant wait to go again. We are planning on going sometime next month and maybe get some other people to join us as well. my parents were even interested lol. But i dont know how thats going to go. lol jk.

~~~

So this morning i woke up exhausted but very happy and i think that contributed to me having an awesome easter today. Me and mom sent my bro and dad on this epic easter basket hunt that took them all around town. It took them about two hours to get back. lol. But when they did they attacked us with silly string, which i havnt used since i was like seven. I forgot how much of a pain it is to clean up. im still picking it out of my hair. lol.

~~~

Whats great is that after this really busy weekend, i get a whole week off of work because its my school break. That means getting a start on my summer tan. yay! (ILTTC)

~Meg

DO THA STANKY LEG!

Hey all,

so i know its a little late but im finally doing another post.

I went to my girls night on wednesday night and i had A BLAST!! it was lots of fun. it was margaret, krisitine, erin, and i, and my old friend jimmy even showed up. sadly sarah couldnt be there cause she has stupid classes to go to. Who cares about a college education. Not Important! lol jk jk jk. but she was missed. I did forget my camera which i was very disappointed at....so use your imagination lol.

Erin, the one who was hosting the night, has a lot of land and a rather cool house. We sat around the fire pit that she has in the back yard and made smores and talked and gossiped and laughed and prank called people and even did some dancing. (Margaret and i were attempting the stanky leg lol). we were out there for like a jillion hours, but it was a warm night so it was all good. i felt like i was in highschool again. i feel like highschool was so much more carefree than my life is now. Its nice to get a break.

we went inside and watched movies until we all fell asleep. Next morning they had breakfast and and we watched snakes on a plane. i think it was better this time than the last time i saw it. The whole time i was thinking about eric because he is basically in love with samual l. jackson.

anyhoo... then we decided to try out some belly dancing on demand. that was fun, but not as much of a work out as it should have been. But i got some good moves. lol.

it was a pretty fun night and im thinking that im going  to host a girls night next month or so, so sarah can attend. I love these girls and i have been bad about keeping in touch. but that will change :-)

~~~

Eric is taking me swing dancing tonight. IM SO EXCITED! (ILTTC)

~Meg

I Would Just Dye For Some Eggs!

Last sunday, it was Palm Sunday, the start of Holy Week. Every Palm Sunday my family likes to dye our easter eggs. we have been doing this for years. the last couple of years we have actually procrastinated to the day before easter, but this year we were good (mostly because of my nagging.) lol.I love doing little things like this that get me in the holiday spirit, whatever holiday it may be. Plus its a nice bonding experience for our very busy family. i took lots of pictures. and i show them to you now.

This is me and my crazy insane brother getting hyped up for the epic fun that is about to ensue. lol

This is my thinking face. lol. its the one i use when im thinking about what awesome colors to use on my egg. i think that one ended up being half spring blue and half denim. it actually turn out really cool. way better than my brothers steelers egg.

These are my parents working diligently on their eggs. i get my perfectionist genes from my dad. and therefore he is way to focused to acknowlege the camera. lol. My mother on the other hand is more freewilled. very go with the flow. i dont think she preplanned her egg at all. I guess they compliment eachother that way.

me and my bro. he has grown to really hate his smile. he thinks its goofy. its a rare thing to actually see him give a straight smile in a pic. he either frowns, like so, or sticks out his tongue or does the trademark facebook face. i love him anyways.

i was happy that eric showed up and actually did an egg. He's never dyed them before so this was a first for him. he did.....ok. his egg was alright. ;-)

~~~

Well i had a great time and it really got me in the easter spirit. This will be a rough week for me since i will be fasting from thursday till sunday morning. This is something i do every year and its a great way to cleans the body physically and spiritually. it helps me remember the true meaning of easter.

tomorrow i am going to a girls night with some friends which sarah regretably will be missing since she has class :-(

But i promise to take lots of pictures and tell you all the happenings in my next post.

Have a great night all.

~~~

I spend about 8 hours working on paper easter eggs for my kids to play with and keep. They absolutly loved them and didnt tear them to shreds. That is a major accomplishment for six year olds lol (ILTTC).

~Meg

Keep Holding On

Today was a sad day. One of my good friends from high school had a tragedy happen in her life. Her wonderful father died this week after a very long battle with cancer. He fought for a very long time and finally God decided that he wanted to have him up in heaven with Him. My friend Margaret and i went to the funeral today to pay our respects and support our long time friend, Kristine.

I didnt think it was going to be as hard as it was. I thought i was just going to be there to support Kristine in her timeof need. But quickly after the service started, and after they started talking about what a wonderful man Tim (her father) was, i started crying. i cried because he really was a wonderful man, but mostly i cried for Kristine. She is entirely too young to be losing her father and i cant even imagine what she must be going through right now. But she is a strong girl. When i talked with her after the service she seemed to be taking the situation with incredible grace. You could tell she was so very sad, she didnt try to hide it. But there was a look in her eye that said that she was going to be ok. She accepted that her father was in a better place and that will never dampen their bond.

Kristine and i had been friends since the 9th grade. Actually it was kinda the four of us a lot of the time; me, sarah, margaret, and kristine. We were all in band together so we spent a lot of time together. We were all very close all through highschool but pretty much separated after graduation. sarah and i went to our university, kristine went to our state school, and maragaret went to the community college to get her gen ed stuff done. But we have all kept in relatively good touch. The one thing i regret is not being able to be there for her those last couple days. But i looked through my old high school pictures today and found this one....

im the one with my tongue out, sarah is the upside down one, margaret is the brunette with the facebook face on lol, and kristine is the blonde on the left. All four of us, so long ago, and still hanging on. One of the things that i learned today is that it doesnt really matter what happens, or how much time goes by without seeing eachother, we will always love eachother and be there for eachother no matter what. I LOVE YOU KRISTINE! I LOVE YOU MARGARET! I LOVE YOU SARAH!

~Meg

something a little personal

Boy oh boy its been a crazy week.

i think that ever since i got home from school in january, it has been an off and on struggle with myself. You see, i have severe OCD. no, that doesnt always mean that im constantly washing my hands or locking the door fifteen times. Mine is more towards the O side of OCD. obsssive and irrational thought buzz through my head all the time. I almost like to think of my OCD as its own separate entity, because it makes me think things that arent really my thoughts. i know it sounds crazy, and it is a little. but just imagine how confusing it is for me. Its extremely hard for me to tell the difference between a "real" thought, one that is backed up by true emotion or by logic or reason, and an "OCD" thought. This can be really scary sometimes because my OCD thoughts are very extreme and disturbing. The reoccuring and constant thought that i have is that i dont deserve to be happy or be loved by other people. it sounds ridiculous and silly, but that has been my thought for my whole life. i beleive it to be true to my very core. People can say "oh, no you DO deserve to be happy and loved. you're great. just let yourself be happy" all they want but the thing is that nothing with ever convince me otherwise because it is literally engrained in my brain. The neurons in my head dont fire like normal people. Other extreme thoughts are that im hoping for my parents to die tragically, or that my brother or a friend will contract a horrible disease or cancer. Those dont make sense because i love my parents and my brother and all my friends. My mind creates these scenerios because it feels like my anxiety or having chaos in my life is the norm. when really its not.

so as a result, for the rest of my life i have to deal with this condition the best i can. usually the little compulsions i have like making sure the door is closed all the way, or my obsession with objects being symetrical, or my fixation with numbesr that are multiples of 5 or 2, arent a hinderance to my life. And most people who know me, even very well, dont see how severe the OCD is.....because its in my head. Even my parents didnt really know. I think they always thought something was off but i dont think they realized the severity of my condition until i came home from school in january. But i always knew. I always had a feeling that there was something wrong and that i couldnt relate to other people the way i wanted too. My emotions are always in the extreme. When im happy i get extremely happy, to the point where im freaking out and acting crazy and super hyper and people are looking at me weird. When im sad i get extremely depressed, where it could last for days, weeks, months, and even years without me being able to get out of the funk i put myself in. When im anxious i have panic attacks, my body simply cannot take the the stress im putting on it so it shuts down. Needless to say its a rollarcoaster and over the past couple of years its gotten worse.

~~~

but finally, these past couple weeks have given me hope. God has shed a light of mercy on me and im feeling like im so much more in control now. Yes, there are times of weakness but im able to bounce back quickly, which is something that i havent really been able to do. im finally starting to not think about my life as an ongoing struggle or war. But i think of it as an oppertunity for something positive to come out of it. i know God has a plan for me, and all my struggles have been apart of that plan. all i can do now is take everyday and get a little more stable, get a little stronger, and love the people in my life that have helped me through this. and God will take care of the rest.

~~~

For anyone who feels like they can relate to me or feels a little out of control or hopeless and maybe needs to talk to someone, feel free to leave a comment or question below, or if you dont want to get personal, put your email address.

~~~

it was a beautiful day today (ILTTC)

~Meg

Tornados and Queens

its been awhile, i know. this past week has been hectic. nothing really interesting enoug to comment on, but hectic.

Last night after going to bed a little later than usual (like eleven lol), i was awoken at three in the morning by my lovely boyfriend. ha ha ha. His text said something along the lines of "it looks like there is a huge storm coming your way." Since severe thunderstorms were already in the forecast, i gave the text an annoyed grunt and went back to sleep. not ten minutes later my dad comes busting into my room telling me there is a tornado in my town. My heart started pounding immediatly and i got really scared really fast.

you see, i grew up in Washington State for most of my childhood before i moved to where i am now. We never had tornados in WA. So when i moved here, it was the first time i was introduced to tornado drills in school. I attribute my over active fear of them to the fact that i didnt grow up with them excpet for on movies.

So anyways, as i went downstairs last night listening to my dad waking up my mom, all these terrible thoughts were running through my mind. "were we going to be ok?", "what kind of damage was going to occur?", "how were my friends and boyfriend doing?" it was all very overwhelming and i got very upset.

My family and i stayed downstairs until the tornado had passed into the next county. Apparently it was moving pretty fast, and our area escape without much damage done. I tried to go back to sleep, but needless to say, too many thoughts were running around to actually settle down enough to sleep. i occupied my time by texting Eric over and over asking if he was ok. He wasnt responding.....because he was sleeping. but i took that as he was dead. i cried to sleep.

i woke up this morning realizing just how big of a drama queen i really am. But hey, id rather feel everything than nothing at all.

~~~

I made my kindergardeners laugh hysterically today by saying "my daddy has a big bow on his tummy." apparently it was hilarious. lol. ah young minds. ILTTC

~Meg