Nap Time!

I rolled over in my bed this afternoon, when my boyfriend turned and put his arm around me and pulled me into him close. i could smell that smell that is distinctly him and felt his warmth. Then we snuggled in for our afternoon nap. It was at this moment that i got that fuzzy warm feeling that you get when something new and exciting is happening. Such as that cute guy asking you out for the first time, that first kiss, hearing that you are loved for the first time by someone that you love back. The thing was, that at this moment nothing new was happening. We have taken countless naps together and this is not the first time we have snuggled. lol i like snuggling. Im not sure what it was that triggered that, but im not going to analyze it. Eric and i have come a very long way. We have gone through a lot in our first year that a lot of couples dont usually have to go through. Mostly because of me. But earlier in 2011 things definitely took a turn for the worst and we were just not getting along. We would fight a lot and the fight just got worst and worst. We would both say things to eachother that we didnt mean and we both got hurt a lot and our hearts were broken. Im not saying i destroyed the relationship. Im not saying it was him. It was both of us. He was mean to me sometimes but i was definitely mean to him too. It all came to a head one night when we had the worst fight we ever had. I have many issues, and the tragedy is that i cant control them and for some reason i lay them out on him and he takes the brunt of it. Which isnt fair. A couple days later he called me and broke up with me. I had broke him down to the point where he was just too hurt to go on. My world had suddenly collapsed and i had realized that i had based my whole future and my whole identity on this one person and he was gone and i was left with nothing. I screamed and cried for a couple hours. But then i packed up his things and tried to accept the fact that i was never going to be with him again. So i was surprised when he called me that night and asked me back. I truthfully wasnt sure. The thing is that eventhough i loved him and wanted to be with him, we hadnt  been getting along and i was hurt a lot too. We decided to go to couples therapy and go on a trial run. We both had to work on things to make it work. But one thing that i realy realized is that it is so dangerous and unhealthy to rely that heavily on one person. No one is built to take on the emotional burden of another person. And thats what i was forcing on him. I couldnt handle my emotions so i put them on him to deal with. and i think towards the end that was really getting to him. I need to learn to trust and rely on myself. To be confident enough to stand on my own two feet and be ok with that. Its ok to be in love but its not ok to be lost in another person, which is what i was doing. I had lost myself in him. And im finding myself again. Im ok with being alone. Im ok with relying on myself. Its sooooooooo much harder than i ever thought it would be, but im working through it. And eric is working on a lot of his issues too such as his jealousy and trying to understand me better. So far things have ben a lot more stable than they used to be. And i think its because he isnt required to carry me anymore, we are both just standing on two feet next to eachother, which is the best thing. We have taken this time to kind of re-fall in love with eachother. We are tryin to see eachother for the first time. When i look at him, i realize how handsome he is, and how kind and how compassionate and free-willed. and fun! those are the reasons i fell in love with him. But i had forgotten those things. I have found them again. I love him. But i love myself too. I have a future, and if he is a part of it, that is great. But if he ends up not being in it, then i will be ok. But who knows, thats for The future. Right now im going to enjoy the moment. And in this moment i am happy. and thats all i need.

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 I painted my nails a new pretty color. its called Jaded. i got it for easter.

ILTTC

~Meg