Boy oh boy its been a crazy week.
i think that ever since i got home from school in january, it has been an off and on struggle with myself. You see, i have severe OCD. no, that doesnt always mean that im constantly washing my hands or locking the door fifteen times. Mine is more towards the O side of OCD. obsssive and irrational thought buzz through my head all the time. I almost like to think of my OCD as its own separate entity, because it makes me think things that arent really my thoughts. i know it sounds crazy, and it is a little. but just imagine how confusing it is for me. Its extremely hard for me to tell the difference between a "real" thought, one that is backed up by true emotion or by logic or reason, and an "OCD" thought. This can be really scary sometimes because my OCD thoughts are very extreme and disturbing. The reoccuring and constant thought that i have is that i dont deserve to be happy or be loved by other people. it sounds ridiculous and silly, but that has been my thought for my whole life. i beleive it to be true to my very core. People can say "oh, no you DO deserve to be happy and loved. you're great. just let yourself be happy" all they want but the thing is that nothing with ever convince me otherwise because it is literally engrained in my brain. The neurons in my head dont fire like normal people. Other extreme thoughts are that im hoping for my parents to die tragically, or that my brother or a friend will contract a horrible disease or cancer. Those dont make sense because i love my parents and my brother and all my friends. My mind creates these scenerios because it feels like my anxiety or having chaos in my life is the norm. when really its not.
so as a result, for the rest of my life i have to deal with this condition the best i can. usually the little compulsions i have like making sure the door is closed all the way, or my obsession with objects being symetrical, or my fixation with numbesr that are multiples of 5 or 2, arent a hinderance to my life. And most people who know me, even very well, dont see how severe the OCD is.....because its in my head. Even my parents didnt really know. I think they always thought something was off but i dont think they realized the severity of my condition until i came home from school in january. But i always knew. I always had a feeling that there was something wrong and that i couldnt relate to other people the way i wanted too. My emotions are always in the extreme. When im happy i get extremely happy, to the point where im freaking out and acting crazy and super hyper and people are looking at me weird. When im sad i get extremely depressed, where it could last for days, weeks, months, and even years without me being able to get out of the funk i put myself in. When im anxious i have panic attacks, my body simply cannot take the the stress im putting on it so it shuts down. Needless to say its a rollarcoaster and over the past couple of years its gotten worse.
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but finally, these past couple weeks have given me hope. God has shed a light of mercy on me and im feeling like im so much more in control now. Yes, there are times of weakness but im able to bounce back quickly, which is something that i havent really been able to do. im finally starting to not think about my life as an ongoing struggle or war. But i think of it as an oppertunity for something positive to come out of it. i know God has a plan for me, and all my struggles have been apart of that plan. all i can do now is take everyday and get a little more stable, get a little stronger, and love the people in my life that have helped me through this. and God will take care of the rest.
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For anyone who feels like they can relate to me or feels a little out of control or hopeless and maybe needs to talk to someone, feel free to leave a comment or question below, or if you dont want to get personal, put your email address.
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it was a beautiful day today (ILTTC)
~Meg
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